The Sad Demise of Empathy

What ever happened to empathy among Americans? It seems like no one cares anymore to embrace its powerful influence since the latest personification of masculinity being promoted in our country among certain segments of society tends to believe that showing empathy is a sign of weakness. Wrong! Showing empathy is actually a sign of social and emotional strength! So, how do we counter this delusional misconception and recapture the value empathy contributes to our society and growth as a people? 

On Monday, June 15, we will celebrate World Elder Abuse Awareness Day (WEAAD) throughout the globe. Perhaps this observance might become a useful stimulus for a change in our attitude.

Time and time again, I have called for greater inclusion and a show of empathy when assisting individuals who are targeted or who have fallen victim to a financial scam. Empathy is a key factor in helping them recover, in experiencing their pain, and establishing a bond of trust. So where can we begin this recovery of empathy?

The word empathy comes from the Greek word, pathos, meaning feeling, suffering, or emotion, with the Greek prefix en meaning in or into. As such, empathy literally means feeling into another person's experience. However, it should not be confused with sympathy, which is more about sharing concern or compassion for a person. Empathy is understood as entering into another person's perspective.

In a recent article in The Atlantic, titled, “What I Learned About Billionaires at Jeff Bezos’s Private Retreat,” by Noel Hawley, creator of the FX series Fargo and Alien: Earth, Hawley discusses the demise of empathy, saying, “Since the 2024 election, there has been a philosophical shift on the right, and especially among tech billionaires, to vilify the idea of empathy. Musk has called empathy “the fundamental weakness of Western civilization.” He sees it as a weapon wielded by liberal society to bludgeon otherwise rational people into operating against their own interests. Empathy is something done to you by others—a vulnerability they exploit, a back door through which they gain access to your resources and will. This rejection of empathy as a human value gives cover to people who don’t want to feel anything at all.”

Hearing this, I begin to question whether a rejection of empathy has more to do with accomplishing an agenda associated more with political gain and business objectives, rather than an avoidance of feelings? Consider the end results. Since understanding another person's perspective can make it easier to find common ground even when there are disagreements, empathy can reduce hostility and misunderstanding. When people feel understood, trust tends to grow. Empathy promotes inclusion, cooperation, and a sense of belonging. Our towns and neighborhoods often function better when people consider how their actions affect others. Think of how different it might be if many of today’s leaders understood and felt the experiences of those impacted by their decisions, and how much more effective they could become in identifying problems, addressing concerns, and building trust.

Instead, today’s widespread erosion of empathy continues to contribute to social fragmentation and weaker community bonds. Its demise is increasing polarization between groups and fueling a greater tolerance for the unfair treatment of others. When empathy diminishes, misunderstandings, isolation, and conflict often become more common.

I say it’s time people of goodwill embrace the notion of showing empathy, thereby enhancing an ability to recognize each other's humanity. As we observe World Elder Abuse Awareness Day, let’s be cognizant about the many ways we might show empathy to others – especially those who have fallen victim to financial exploitation.

Will our stance be one of weakness, refusing to respond, denying our own personal values out of fear or peer pressure? Or will we rise-up? Will we find the courage to embrace our humanity by recognizing and appreciating what the experience of the other person is like from their point of view?

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A Perspective on What ‘Drinking the Kool-Aid’ Means in Credit Unions

 After reading Frank Diekmann’s March 17 opinion piece, “A Proposal That Could Drive Credit Unions to Drink,” I found myself reflecting on what exactly “drinking the Kool-Aid” means to me as a credit union DE – development educator – one among the many who are regularly tagged with the label.

When I reflect on the phrase “drinking the Kool-Aid,” my mind wanders back to my high school days of the 1970s and the events surrounding the Viet Nam war. At that time, those who protested the war were oftentimes confronted with another phrase, “America: Love It or Leave It.” 

Back then, motivating a change in thinking was for so many akin to a religion, a belief that by shaping public opinion and beliefs, those protesting the war could bring about an end to hostilities in Viet Nam. Tactics such as challenging the status quo, making your voice heard, questioning the government’s motives for war, and engaging in spirited debates and political conversations were all intent on fueling a discourse designed to make everyone stop and think, and ultimately shape public opinion. 

It didn’t really matter how extreme or upsetting the conversation became at times, since its purpose was to act as a catalyst to open minds and introduce new ideas and new ways of doing things.

No Middle Ground

Naturally, those who supported the war and its efforts to prevent communism as we were told, regularly clashed with the protesters and their ideology. Their directive to protesters: you either love America or get out. There was no room to question the administration and its commitment to fighting communism in Southeast Asia. There was no middle ground for debate. It was all black and white. You were either with them or seen as against them. 

Remember Archie Bunker and his numerous quarrels with his son-in-law, Michael Stivik about the war? All in the Family offers quite a reliable peek into what it was like.

Blind Fidelity vs Loyal Affection

Back in the day and in my mind, embracing America – blindly at face value – did and still does not reflect a love of America. Supporting whatever you are spoon fed or pledging faithful allegiance without critical thinking and questioning, does not reflect loyal affection for it. Back then, I considered those who embraced America at face value as the ones who were “drinking the Kool Aid.” 

It was as if they were in a cult, blindly adhering to whatever dictates they received from those in leadership.

In retrospect, we now see how the influence of the protests alongside news footage of American warriors returning home in body bags did eventually change public opinion and bring an end to the hostilities. Unfortunately, the debate also fueled a distasteful public perception of the military causing many to refuse to show the respect rightly due to those warriors who made it home alive. Hopefully we’ve all learned a lesson from this, one we’ll never witness again.

Who is Drinking the Kool Aid?

Fast forward to today’s credit union system and the label – drinking the Kool Aid. As we’ve already noted, it’s readily applied to DEs. However, might it also apply to others instead? 

Drinking the Kool Aid is already said to be the case for those who espouse the values and principles of the cooperative business model and are willing to buck the system at times in order to help and improve the industry, no matter how challenging the conversation might be deemed, or how controversial it might appear to be in a quest to prod open the minds of colleagues and friends to new ideas.

On the other hand, drinking the Kool Aid might also be applied to those who are compliant and complacent in accepting the status quo, not wishing to rock the boat, blindly adhering to the expectations and behavior of industry leaders and colleagues intent on remaining “politically correct” within the system.

So, who are those actually drinking the Kool Aid? I guess it comes down to which flavor you prefer. 

Empathy: The Key to Authentic Member Engagement

A government shutdown and the loss of paychecks for literally thousands of federal government workers recently placed a spotlight on scores of credit unions offering special accommodations to those members most impacted by the crisis. Credit unions felt the pain of their members and they responded, quickly and effectively, offering zero-percent-interest loans to help families put food on the table and the keep the lights on until the government paychecks resumed.

Countless members benefited, as well as those shops that offered special assistance since their response ingrained a lasting memory of the credit union’s helping hand when members needed it the most. Think such assistance had any impact on member loyalty and trust as well?

Ask 10 credit union leaders what prompted such action to minimize the pain and anxiety of their members, and nine times out of ten we’ll hear them attribute it to, “people helping people.” However, I suggest it’s far more than “people helping people.” For-profit banking institutions help people all the time. So, what’s so special and different about the way credit unions offer help?

I tend to believe it’s determined by the degree to which the credit union walks in the shoes of its members. It has to do with empathy. It’s about credit union leaders being knowledgeable and willing to share in the experiences of their members, to feel the pain, and to respond in ways that sometimes may even challenge conventional wisdom or the comfort and stability they hold for themselves and their organizations.

Empathy and Trust
In her research paper, The Science of Empathy, published by PubMed, Dr. Helen Reiss, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, writes, “Empathy plays a critical interpersonal and societal role, enabling sharing of experiences, needs, and desires between individuals and providing an emotional bridge that promotes pro-social behavior. This capacity requires an exquisite interplay of neural networks and enables us to perceive the emotions of others, resonate with them emotionally and cognitively, to take in the perspective of others, and to distinguish between our own and others' emotions.”

Dr. Reiss goes on to say, “If we are to move in the direction of a more empathic society and a more compassionate world, it is clear that working to enhance our native capacities to empathize is critical to strengthening individual, community, national, and international bonds.”

Benefits of Empathy
One’s ability to empathize elevates member engagement to a whole new level. Empathy enables understanding — the cognitive foundation of connection. Cognitive empathy (the ability to understand another person’s perspective, thoughts, or feelings) allows us to anticipate the needs of the other and respond appropriately. This understanding fosters smoother communication, reduces conflict, and strengthens interpersonal bonds.

I remember my time working at The Ritz-Carlton Hotel where we were constantly trained and reminded about the importance of anticipating the needs of our guests. It’s no wonder the hotel chain captured two prestigious Malcolm Baldridge Service Quality Awards!

Empathy also builds emotional alignment and trust. Affective empathy (feeling what another feels) promotes warmth, compassion, and trust — the emotional glue that binds people. In relationships, understanding a partner’s viewpoint helps in resolving disagreements and negotiating needs, creating psychological safety and harmony.

A third quality of empathy is its ability to nurture identity and belonging. Empathy signals inclusion. When people feel understood, they feel they belong. Lack of empathy, on the other hand, fosters loneliness, alienation, and a breakdown of social cohesion. Communities and organizations that cultivate empathic cultures experience higher morale, collaboration, and collective trust.

Unlock a Scammer’s Grip
As financial losses attributed to scams and fraud continue to flourish throughout the world, I’ve been calling for an increase in the number of ways credit unions address this crisis, and their ability to show empathy tops the list.

While more action advocating for credit unions on the legislative and regulatory fronts is needed to secure authority to act in the best interest of a victimized member, that’s not enough! Including more community educational events to keep potential victims informed on the latest tactics and threats being employed by today’s sophisticated scam con artists still falls short of the goal.

For credit unions and our adherence to a principle of “people helping people,” it’s also vitally important that we ramp up empathy training to help staff sharpen their skills and abilities to focus more intensely on the victim and his or her wellbeing. Doing so strengthens the ability to win over the trust and confidence of those who refuse to believe or admit that they are being scammed. And how many times have we heard it said that scam victims simply refuse to believe that the person with whom they’ve become romantically involved is actually a scam con artist! Empathy can unlock that grip.

Someone being victimized in a scam or who has fallen victim to one, has no desire to hear a credit union rep say, “What were you thinking,” or “you should never give out your account number!” Rather, they are most in need of hearing a comforting and consoling voice that acknowledges the pain, anxiety, and confusion elicited by the experience. Empathy enables that exchange and should always influence an initial intervention.

Not All Are Onboard
However, I find that not everyone within the credit union community is onboard with the idea that empathy is key to member engagement, particularly when members are being or have been scammed. If they were, then why are so many putting scam prevention education and training on the back burner? Rather than increasing their efforts to safeguard members given the burgeoning increase in the types and number of scams occurring today, they are placing their attention on other areas of concern.

If we are to believe, then, that empathy is key to authentic membe
r engagement and the driving force that intrinsically defines the meaning of “people helping people,” it becomes critical that credit union directors, CEOs, and others demonstrate support and belief in the virtue of empathy. We need to let go of the idea that being empathetic predisposes us to being easily manipulated or exploited. Equally important is to understand that empathy does not undermine logical reasoning or clouds rational judgement.

Empathy is not weakness, but an adaptive social intelligence skill. Its strength resides in one’s ability to understand others without losing boundaries or objectivity. Remember the words of Dr. Reiss who said that empathy enables us to perceive the emotions of others, resonate with them emotionally and cognitively, to take in the perspective of others, and to distinguish between our own and others' emotions.

Indeed, “people helping people,” embodies much more than financial management. It’s a statement of support to the human person and their wellbeing. As such, it embodies and extends far beyond a member’s financial management, calling us to fully understand, appreciate and experience the quality of wellbeing and doing something about it. Is their wellbeing healthy and gratifying, or painful and oppressive?

Our ability to empathize enables an appropriate response. That explains why credit unions differ from banks. That explains why so many were able to keep food on the table and the lights on during the recent shutdown. To them, “people helping people” made all the difference in the world.

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Riess H. The Science of Empathy. J Patient Exp. 2017 Jun;4(2):74-77. doi: 10.1177/2374373517699267. Epub 2017 May 9. PMID: 28725865; PMCID: PMC5513638.

It Doesn’t Have to Be That Way

As we observe the holidays and prepare to bid farewell to 2024, I wish to share an idea or two stirring in my mind, in the hope that doing so may bring some comfort and joy to those who are most in need.

When we think of the holidays, I’m sure you would agree that besides Santa and gift-giving, several other thoughts come to mind, and among them is joining with family and loved ones in the cozy warmth of our homes. I have to say, there’s nothing better than being surrounded by those who truly care for us, those affectionately known as mom, dad, sis, bro, or perhaps abuela, or cugini.

Being in their company seems to generate a sense of safety, strength and warmth, no matter what we may be doing – baking cookies, decorating the house, enjoying a seven-fish Christmas Eve dinner – as is the custom for so many families of Italian heritage – or simply gathered around the tree to open presents on Christmas Day.

However, while we can take comfort in such surroundings, it’s important to remember that there are many among us who are less fortunate; many who will be spending the holidays by themselves, all alone.

Now I’m referring to those who did not choose to live all alone. For many of these older adults, a loving spouse has passed on, leaving them without their cherished partner. For others, it is because of ailments that make it difficult if not impossible to physically step outside of their home. Then, there are also those of such age that they have outlived all others – not only a spouse but members of their family and friends as well.

Life under such conditions can be rather debilitating. Not only are these older adults dealing with living by themselves and the challenges it brings, older adults living alone are prime targets for con-artist scammers. Living alone increases the potential of dementia. It also is known to heighten loneliness.

The National Center on Elder Abuse reports that according to one study, 43% of those 60 or older reported loneliness. Another study found that 19% of elderly people cited frequent loneliness and 29% felt occasional loneliness.

Well, it doesn’t have to be that way!

In his recent Washington Post article, “7 of our best science-based tips for mental and cognitive health,” Richard Sima says, “If you want to increase your happiness and well-being, spend your money, time or energy on someone else.

“Research consistently finds that acts of altruism such as donating money, volunteering or giving blood benefit both the receiver and the giver — even when the giver does not expect anything in return. Helping others may set up a positive feedback loop: Because doing good feels good, altruism can beget more altruism and better well-being.”

As we gaze ahead into the future and what 2025 might have in store for each of us, might I suggest we be proactive and do whatever we can to influence how the upcoming days and weeks of 2025 will unfold for us in our personal life histories. As some might say, let’s put our intentions out there so they might come to fruition.

In Buddhist teachings, intentions hold a profound significance as they are seen as the seed from which actions and their results (karma) arise. Karma is not just about actions but also the intention behind those actions. Intentions are seen as the mental forces that shape one’s actions, which in turn influence future experiences. A pure and mindful intention can lead to positive outcomes, akin to the idea of setting an intention and trusting in its fruition.

So suppose we allow ourselves to really become caught up in the spirit of the holidays, allowing this season of cheer and glad tidings to have a deeper influence on our thinking and behavior than ever before. Consider this thought as a gift to yourself, one destined to make you feel content, peaceful and happy in 2025.

If you agree and are willing to take that plunge, then let’s plant the seed! One idea I suggest is taking time to reach out to an older adult who we know lives all alone.

Reach out by sending a holiday greetings card or giving him or her a phone call to express holiday wishes for happiness and good health. Maybe, push yourself a bit more by making a quick visit to simply check in or to drop off a plate of dinner or a slice of dessert. But let’s not stop there. Let’s light a fire and create an inferno of activity! Why not invite others at your church or in the community or senior center to team up with you by forming a group dedicated to keeping a watchful eye on those elders in the community who live all alone. Identify who they are and the best ways to make and stay in contact with them.

Remember, giving in this way – reaching out to lonely and solitary older adults – has its many rewards, as noted earlier in Richard Sima’s article. Making time to reach out will not only impress on them a sense of dignity and self-worth, and hopefully diminish some of the loneliness they may experience, it will also invigorate within you a surge of love. Sharing such generosity and kindness will enliven the spirit of the holiday season in your heart with the knowledge that you’re giving something priceless to another fellow human being, something you can’t buy in the store or on Amazon.

Now, just imagine if we all could embrace this behavior. Imagine the impact it would have on our country and on its political divide.

Wishing you countless blessings and good cheer – and positive karma throughout 2025, driven by your kindness, generosity, and compassion.

The Credit Union Difference—One of Principles, Not Profits

Back in mid-March, the Credit Union Times carried a front page story on Chip Filson and his petition for NCUA board members to be motivated by the unique contributions and needs of a cooperative business.

The article included comments from several credit union executives, two of which struck a chord with me. One was Randy Karnes, CEO of CU Answers, who said Congress didn’t create the credit union charter because the nation needed “nice banks.” He pointed to the cooperative principles as the defining element which makes the structure of credit unions different from banks.

Henry Meier, associate general counsel for the Credit Union Association of New York was the second. Henry suggested that those advocating for the cooperative structure to play a larger role in the credit union industry seem to be promoting it for its own sake.

Hearing the comments of both executives took me back down memory lane into the corporate credit union environment. There, as I rubbed elbows with right-brainers and left brainers alike, I began to realize more and more how important it was to find a course of harmony between the cooperative principles and the principles of asset/liability management, if a credit union was to be truly faithful to its “soul” purpose.